My Favorite Monologue

I don't what it is, but ever since I was younger, I always wanted to be an actor. As you get older, you realize that perhaps you may have 'missed the boat'. I was a shy boy and a little introverted, according to my mother anyway. Thinking back, maybe I did a lot of acting alone and in front of the mirror, I can't really remember. Or maybe that was my crazy sister? Anyway this is my favorite monologue of all time. Before the ease of Google, I actually had to pause the VHS cassette and use a dictionary to write out and understand this speech!!

Austin Powers
written by Mike Myers

Dr. Evil: The details of my life are quite inconsequential.

Therapist (Carrie Fisher): Oh no, please, please, let's hear about your childhood.

Dr Evil: Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Some times he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical, summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds, pretty standard really. At the age of 12 I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it's breathtaking, I suggest you try it.

Therapist: You know, we have to stop.

I have memorized this and am willing to perform it at parties..... heh... Just ask me! I even do the Dr. Evil voice... well, try too anyway.

I can also can do a monologue from the movie The Three Amigos.

Lets just say I had a lot of time to kill when I was in college.

Cheers!