Top Facts for Chuck Norris

- Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
- Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
- Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
- Chuck Norris can speak braille.
- Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
- Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
- Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
- Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
- Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
- Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
- Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
- Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
- Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
- Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
- Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
- Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
- Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
- Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
- Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
- Chuck Norris divides by zero.
- Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
- Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
- Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
- Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up.
- If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
- Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
- When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
- Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
- Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
- When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
- If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
- Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
- Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver... and wins.
- Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
- When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.
- When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
- Chuck Norris' wristwatch has no numbers on it. It just says, "Time to kick ass."
- Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
- It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
- Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
- Chuck Norris once killed a bird by throwing it off a cliff.
- Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewellery."
- Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
- M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
- Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
- The only thing Mr. T, Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris can agree on is that Tom Cruise is a faggot.
- Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
- The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
- Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
- Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
- When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
- The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.
- Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
- The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
- There are no weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
- The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
- Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
- Chuck Norris did that to Michael Jackson's face.
- Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil.
- Chuck Norris was once the F.B.I's chief negotiator. His job involved calling up criminals and saying, "This is Chuck Norris."
- Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
- When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
- Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
- The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
- Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.
- Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.
- When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."