BiskutNaga's Top Ten Women That Need a Tight Slap

For weeks now, I've been reviewing my archives and have found that my recent articles are shit. I want to bring back some of the edge that seems to have been lost over the past months. Of late, my posts have been some what, well, for lack of a better word, 'gay'. I've seem to have lost the anger, the violence and the crassness in my writing. This blog has always been about the excellence of pushing the boundaries of social etiquette. I use to get excited when I write and feel the juices flow as my fingers pound away at the keyboard. All that has been lacking. So it ends now. I give you BiskutNaga's Top Ten Women That Need a Tight Slap!

These are the women that simply need a slap in the face. Preferably by a big angry Himalayan Indian with Yeti-Bigfoot blood in him. Just one big swing from his hairy-ice-crusted-skin-peeled arm, and SMACK! right across the face of these utterly irritating public women. Oh such ecstasy.

10. Calista flockhart

When I saw the first episode of Ally McBeal, I thought to myself, "hey, this is a great show, and this Ally is alright". But boy did I regret thinking that! I remember feeling my ass, being clenched the whole time. And by the end of each show, I was so anal retentive that I could not take a crap the next morning. It was a good show don't get me wrong, in fact I only watched it because the other characters were so great. But Ally, my god, I wanted to slap her. As the seasons rolled on, she got thinner and thinner, and more and more neurotic . Remember the dancing baby? Some say she was anorexic as she looked like a walking skeleton display. I had hoped she was. Then to top it all off, she let Harrison Ford, one of the all time heroes, bend her over and jump her bones. Han Solo anyone? Very sad indeed.

9. Ellen Pompeo

Ah, Ellen. Grey's Anatomy's main character. Why are there so many T.V programs that revolve around idiotic, damaged, emotionally imbalanced, chronically neurotic women? Seeing her on Grey's is like watching a midget complain that he's short! Yes you may say I'm getting all worked up about the characters she portrays. But no, I saw her on Punk'd and the hidden camera showed that she and her alter ego are one and the same, screwed up and utterly irritating. Finally, if you think she is still not slap worthy, just have a listen to how she talks. She has the most annoying lisp on T.V. "Oh Doctosss Shhheeeperd. I calls youuuss McDreamyssss". Ssssimply sssickening.

8. Britney Spears

Britney, Britney, Britney. You have lost the plot completely. When 'Opps! I did it again' was released, I was the first to download it. I loved the pure engineered Pop sound that you brought to the music world. But of late, you have truly gone mad. It started with your I'm-a-bad-girl make over and then you married that Featherline fella, then had kids, lost your mind, got drunk, got sued, got divorced and many many other idiotic Hollywood shit. And now you seem to be desperately trying to re-launch your career. If only you just calm the hell down and realise you had it all to begin with. Please take a long hard look in the mirror. And please wear undies. Its cute if you are 18 and all fresh. After the miles it has seen, shaved or not, its enough to scare the crap out of Vampires on Haloween night!


7. Avril Lavigne

In an interview with a British magazine, Avril Lavigne did what many top experts previously considered impossible, namely making herself look like an even bigger bitch than normal. These are some of her comments made in the interview.
On her polarizing personality: "People love me and people hate me, but I'm comfortable in my own skin and that's what counts. And anyway if you do hate me, you're the loser, not me."
On her generosity:"I am a very giving person. When the hurricane thing happened, I went to my closet, filled six boxes of stuff and said to my assistant, 'Take it to Katrina!' I also like to give stuff to people who are my 'workers,' especially if they don't make much money.". Enough said.

6. Condoleezza Rice

They say behind every great man, there's a great woman. This is so true. Just look at that monkey they call Bush. With Condol advising him or more like saying 'yes' to him, I don't know who is the bigger monkey. She is the most useless, arrogant, ignorant, cunt to have ever taken a position of power. Seriously. She is mostly there to get the Black votes. And also, maybe, someone told Bush that 'once you go black you don't go back'. I think he misunderstood. That saying only applies to women in reference to black men who genetically have big, long, horse inspired, sexual organs and because of the immense stretching that they cause the inner walls of the vagina, hence going back to a 'normal' size is not an option. You get double bonus points for slapping Bush by the way.


5. Paris Hilton

The heir to the Hilton Hotel empire. God help us all. Her reality T.V Show, 'The Simple Life' shows how truly spoiled she is. You just can't help but want to punch her in the face. What does she do to help make her more likable? Let her then boyfriend, video tape them having sex. Wonderful. Then after the video was released, she wanted a cut from the sales. Stupid or smart, I donno. Recently she was thrown in Jail for drink driving or partying nude or god knows what. Anyway she was in there for all of 2 minutes, and says the experience changed her. Changed my ass. She is still as cock ass irritating as ever. They should have accidentally locked her up in solitary confinement with our Himalayan Indian and lose the damn key.



4. Ashlee Simpson

There are some that may argue that Jessica is more of an ass than Ashlee. Perhaps. But for me after seeing her in Saturday Night Live I really lost what little opinion I had of her to begin with. On the show she was scheduled to perform two songs. Her first song, "Pieces of Me", was performed without problems. However, when she began her second song, "Autobiography", the vocals for the song "Pieces of Me" were heard again—before she had raised the microphone to her mouth. Simpson began to dance and then left the stage, while the band (not a recording) continued playing. During the closing of the show Simpson appeared with the guest host Jude Law stating that her band performed the wrong song in the opening on the performance and commenting that she thought she'd "do a hoedown" following the musical number. This is just like when Milli Vanilli's guide track skipped during a live MTV performance, revealing that they were lip-sync hing.


3. Sarah Jessica Parker

Can someone tell Sarah that 'Sex in the City' has ended? Get over it girl. You will never be that famous again. That was your 'Hay Day'. You had your 15 minutes. Its over. Please take your residuals from the re-runs and DVD sales and go sleep quietly in one corner. Do you even wonder why Matthew wants to leave your punk ass? You have neglected him enough. No wonder he wants a divorce. Stop trying to relive the old days with all this talk about a Reunion movie. The four of you are so old and dried up that having sex with any of you, in any city, will be like rubbing the tip of your manhood against dead corals in an aquarium.




2. Janice Dickinson

Just 1 minute into the opening title sequence of her T.V show 'Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency' and you want to stab out your eyes with a blunt pencil. Then you wish you had been born in another decade because her presence now makes this world utterly unbearable to live. Its no wonder Tyra Banks kicked her off 'America's Next Top Model', even Tyra had enough of her high and mighty routine. Another raving model struggling with losing her looks and desperately clinging on to whatever bits of fame she can squeeze out before the silicons in her implants sag to the ground due to the lost of elasticity of her skin.





1. Oprah Winfrey

Last but not least, yes, Oprah. The great and powerful Oprah. This woman has passed beyond the point of self gratification into a whole a other category. She is so pleased with herself that when she farts, she would willingly smell it as if it were golden fumes from heaven. Nobody notices her shows - when she has her 'serious' portion where she pretends to give a crap then quickly switches to some
insane celebrity worship segment or the totally unnecessary 'legal' form of bribery prize giveaway. Can nobody see she is just BUYING followers to join her club? And you've seen her on those 'on the road' shows.....SHE IS NOT A PLEASANT PERSON!! I bet dollar bills that if she were to run for president, she would win. Then all hell would break lose. Oprah = Evil.

Thanks to Adam for the Oprah segment. I knew you hated her so. That's why I give you the pleasure of slapping the No.1 pick. Well deserved.