The most annoying question of all time

"Hey, how are things?"

One of the most common greetings of modern times. A question that is both vague and at the same time obtrusive. Why the hell does one ask such a rhetorical question anyway? Do you really care how things are doing with the other person? And if so, what of it? When answering a question like this, how much do you tell or How much don't you tell? What happens when too much information has passed and an embarrassing situation arises?

Say for instance, "Hey, how are things?" Answer, "Things are bad, I am having a stomach ache and I need to take a big shit, I predict it will be a shit that will be both soft and very liquid. Also my cat died in my toilet, the smell is quite rank. I will however persevere non the less. Oh and my wife slept with her boss too. Thanks for asking.". So now the person who asked the question in the first place is left bewildered and feeling like shit. He has had a shitty day, that is how things are going for him.

*Ceiling Cat appears courtesy of the shoddyblog

What about the flip side? "Hey, how are things?" Answer, "Things are awesome, I just made my first billion and I'm looking to sink the 50 foot yacht I bought last week because some sad fool's cat died in the toilet and shat on it, So now I want to buy a new one. But first I have to ask my super model girlfriend if she and her model friends want to fly to Monte Carlo with me to pick out a new yacht and go for a test drive. Oh excuse me while I get rid of these pesky 20 dollar notes. I hate small change." What a bastard. But you can't blame him for answering that way, he is happy and rich, that is how things are going with him. You asked didn't you?
So there is no real point in asking this annoying question. Either way, the answer is of no consequence to you.

So I ask you again... why ask the question at all?

Dry Australian Humor - 'Qantas Gripe Sheet'

One of the things I miss most about Australia was the extremely dry humor of Australians. I miss good old school days when the fellas and I, at 'The Flat', use to joke around. This email I received reminded me of those days. I thought I might post so, here.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers. By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: The number 3 engine is missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

And the best one saved for last......

P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from the midget.

Ahhhhhhhhh Good times long gone................. ay Beef?

American Idol Season 6 Sucks Ass!

As you may or may not know, I am a big Idol fan. Last year, I raved on about Katharine McPhee and how insanely hot she was and still is. Last season, the top 12 singers were outstanding with anyone of them having a real chance of winning. In the end the grey haired Taylor Hicks won the votes over Kat. Oh well, still it was an awesome season. I even joined the Katharine McPhee fan club. What a sicko I am. In the end her album isn't that good anyway but that's a whole other blog entry.

This season however has not created much excitement in me. One reason being there isn't a McPhee-type beauty. Jordin Sparks catches my eye but her voice is not as good as Kat's. The guys all suck this season. Maybe that Justine Timberlake copycat has a chance. Its all down to votes. Speaking of votes, does anyone wonder why that Sanjaya Malakar the Indian fruitcake is still in it? I tell you why, one word, 'outsourcing'. There must be a million Indian I.T and outsourcing people in the states voting their asses off for this guy who is by far the worst finalist Idol has ever seen.

If you talk about world class singers there are only 2, Melinda Doolittle and LaKisha Jones. Whether one of them will win, is still unknown. At the end of the day, although this is a singing competition, the best singer doesn't always win. Americans vote for who they like. Taylor was a lovable guy and you can't help but want him to win. Was he a technically better singer than Kat? No. So this year its all up for grabs. I will still tune in to see what happens, but NOT religiously this time round I'm affraid. Oh and here is another picture of Kat, just in case you forgot.

This picture was taken as she was leaving my house some time last week.... in the morning.

20 reason WHY the Transformers Movie is going to suck?

When I heard that there was going to be a live action Transformers The Movie with CGI, I was the first one to stand up a shout 'hell yeah!'. Its "gonna be a classic", I said then. But after some research on the net, my scepticism set in, now I am not to sure anymore.

Here are 20 reasons why it will suck:·

1. In the original series, Bumblebee was named such because he was a yellow Volkswagen "bug". In the movie, he's a Camaro, and he's called Bumblebee because of his eccentric hobby of beekeeping.


2. In the beginning of the film, Optimus Prime has amnesia, and the rest of the Autobots discover him in a gay biker bar, heading up a biker gang called the Hell's Belles.


3. In the original series, Megatron transformed into a Walther P38 pistol. In the movie, he transforms into a pink tyrannosaurus rex holding a squirt gun.


4. In the original series, the Transformers were always on a quest for Energon, the life-granting fuel that gives them sustenance. In the movie, they're on a quest for Transformers the Movie Collectible Trading Cards! COLLECT 'EM ALL!


5. Originally, Soundwave was a cassette player. In the film, he's an iPod, and oldschool cassettes like Ravage and Laserbeak are now fictional hair-metal bands, whose raucous rockin' tunes cause the Autobots to short circuit.


6. In the climax of the film, Optimus Prime doesn't even fight Megatron in an epic battle to save humanity. Instead he tags human Ellen Ripley, who climbs into a dock loader and throws Megatron out the airlock.


7. There is a disturbing lack of Weird Al music in the live-action movie. Surprisingly however, they do have Stan Bush. In fact, he's actually going to perform a song in the movie, and his guitar is going to transform into a rockin' little robot that kicks Starscream in the keister and chases him off stage.


8. In the live-action movie, Optimus Prime has gay flames painted on his chassis. This is actually a "tattoo", and early in the film he is seen grimacing in a tattoo parlor while a burly, hairy leather-clad bald guy lets him have it with the tattoo needle.


9. In the film, Autobot Jazz listens to hip-hop music, and in his robot mode he looks remarkably like Eminem.


10. All of the Decepticons in the film look like Insecticons, the most harmless and cuddly Decepticon sub-group from the old cartoon.


11. In the post-9/11 world, it was decided that having any Decepticons transform into planes was highly inappropriate. Therefore, Starscream was changed from an F-15 into a less menacing hot air balloon.


12. The Dinobots actually do make a brief appearance in the movie, but it's revealed that thanks to their rather conspicuous status of being dinosaurs rather than vehicles, they are forced to remain undercover working at the Universal Studios "Jurassic Park Experience".


13. Did you miss the part where it's a live-action movie based on a popular cartoon and toy-line of the 80s?


14. In a shocking twist at the end of the movie, the audience learns that the Transformers aren't really from outer space at all, but are rather a top secret military project of the US government gone out of control.


15. Starscream now has some serious competition for the title of least-trustworthy Decepticon, in the form of a new character named Corpsebucket, who transforms into a hearse.


16. In an effort to infuse some serious emotional drama into the script, Ratchet, the Autobot medic, gets addicted to painkillers.


17. Thanks to fan support, original voice actor Peter Cullen is going to reprise his role as Autobot leader Optimus Prime. In a follow-up decision baffling everyone, original Megatron voice actor Frank Welker has been replaced by Gilbert Gottfried.


18. The filmmakers really wanted to include the character Grimlock in the movie, but they didn't want another tyrannosaurus (after Megatron), so they decided to change him into a horse named Buttercup. They assure fans however, that though is appearance may be different, his personality will be unaltered.


19. Megatron's face looks like a pocket pussy.


20. In the cartoon, the Transformers impossibly shifted and changed mass as they went from vechicle to robot mode, but the filmmakers wanted to approach that from a more realistic angle. This is why Optimus Prime's trailer no longer disappears into thin air as in the cartoon, and it also explains why he has one really fat leg.

Anyway, I'm calling up this guy, to get my Optimus Prime suit to wear at the movie premiere.

"Autobots! Transform and roll out!"

Homeopathy way of life? I think not.

I want to share with you my thoughts on Homeopathic medicine as I experienced it first hand.

And this is what I have concluded. Its bullshit.. pure utter unadulterated monkey crap. I would have had a better result if, I had my pet rabbit shit in my eye and beat myself with the feathers of a dead sparrow while dancing around an open fire.

What I endured was one of pain and suffering. Here in Malaysia you have your usual spread of doctors, specialists and witch doctors, all offering their version of medicinal solutions. One day I was offered by a friend to go for this procedure called 'Bekam'. I don't know if there is an equivalent in English though. Anyway it involves sucking out 'bad blood' from my body. Yep, bad blood. The explanation is that women have their monthly cycle of blood drippings, which of course is glorified by television ads that shows a guy in a white lab coat pouring blue liquid into cotton, and then the woman is able to run a marathon, happy, but that's a whole other blog entry. Anyway, men have no such cycle where we remove 'bad blood' from our body hence the need for 'Bekam'. This oil change as it were, is recommended once or twice a year. by removing blood that has clotted or blood that is old, then your body can make new blood which in turn helps your heart. Your body will suppose to feel fresher and more vibrant. I guess it kind of made sense which is why I agreed to doing it. And also the fact that I'm game to try anything as long as there is no risk of dying of a heart attack.

The first step is to make several minor slits on my back using what felt like the rustiest Gillette blade on the planet. It was like a mice trying to frantically climb out of a deep hole filling up with water for fear of drowning. With these incisions made, the 'doctor' with his many diploma's on the wall mind you, proceeded to suck out the blood using a bell shaped glass and a suction hand pump. Yea!

Now I just sat there waiting to bleed out. The wait was excruciatingly long and unnecessary, coupled with the fact that it hurt like all hell. And so, I was in essence bleeding into five cups. I guess this is something similar to the treatment that involves leeches. I don't which is more barbaric or absurd. Funny enough the blood that was first drawn was a deep dark crimson color with the consistency of jello. You basically have to keep going until all the 'bad blood' is gone and a lighter red emerges. All access blood was wiped off as I had to go for another round after quickly filling up the first 5 cups with my goo. Sterilisation was a little suspect as all the blood was wiped off with toilet paper no less. The blade was probably used by a prior patient who had AIDS knowing my luck.

And so, was all this worth it? Is it all lies? I can tell you I felt light headed for a few days to which my friend said that that was normal. Normal my ass. Nothing normal about it. Not to mention the fact that my back looked like an over sized dice. Roll me over. Has this help my health any and way? Or better yet, can the heath benefits be quantified? But then again that would mean some component of science involved to give this some legitimacy. But that's not Homeopathy now is it?

What Chinese People think of the Malays

This list was written by a chinese person and highlights their point of view about us Malays here in our own country. I received this in my email one day and felt that it needed to be posted. I think it is only fair seeing as I myself posted a chinese race related post a few months ago.

If you are of Malay race, this list will no doubt anger you however, we must accept their opinions about us and reflect on ourselves. Not all of it is wrong, most are painfully accurate. If we don't like what is said, we must endeavour to make a change and stop blaming others for own shortcomings. I feel this list also shows the deep racial under current that lies behind our seemingly peaceful country.

Note :- The text is totally unedited, so the bad english is not from me.

01. You MALAY call each other 'BODOH' for fun, and too 'BODOH' to realize it's an offensive word.
02. You're the LAZIEST person on God's earth.
03. Always update with "lagu-lagu A-minor", "lagu-lagu rindu" and "wayang hindustani".
04. Always give a very long honourable speech start from Duli YangMaha Mulia,Tan Sri, Puan Sri, YB-YB, Yang Berbahagia Datuk, Datuk-Datuk, Datin-Datin, Tuan Haji, Tuan Pengerusi Majlis.. and lastsometime least...."rakyat jelata" sekalian.... ..."terlebih dahulusaya ingin membuka majlis denganasalamualaikuwarama tula hiwabarakatu. ....."
05. Many Malay ended at "pusat pemulihan dadah" for common drug abuse.
06. "Air sirap" is the cheapest drink you can afford.
07. You like to tease and act perverted when someone with sexual appealpassing by.
08. You self proclaimed from a superior race (Arabs).
09. You love to eat, especially FREE FOOD.
10. Malay favourite quote = REZEKI JANGAN DI TOLAK.
11. Malay least favourite word = JANJI MELAYU.
12. Your girls got a mouthfull of chicken's ass (loudmouths) .
13. You can't stand it and always keep on staring at someone who arebetter dressing / looking rather than your back-dated looks.
14. You wear your shirt more than 4 times before wash it.
15. You feel it's not right to eat first before everybody gets their meal (while your meal is getting cold).
16. You got that annoying habit of wanting people to acknowledge you.
17. You know for the fact that you are supersticious (bomohs and dukuns).
18. You know for the fact that Malay jokes are decently lame and you always force yourself to laugh when other malay joker telling their lame jokes.
19. You always try to take advantage on other people work..
20. You are trained to be a sweet talker.
21. You love to offer drinks to your boss while polishing his shoe.
22. You always pick on juniors.
23. You don't care if everyone in your class/office know for the fact that you are lazy.
24. You are very protective on your seniority.
25. You are quite a slow thinker.
26. You prefer to borrow people's stuff rather than buy it, but hardly return it back.
27. You also always use other's property without asking permission.
28. Many of you are not sincere when making friend with non-malays.
29. You always waste your time in the public phone talking about "janji-janji manis", "omong- omong kosong", "aku hidup dalamblues", "Hindi superstar" and "cinta-sayang". (these are direct quotes...)
30. Malay most popular ambition... * to the public = "ingin menjadi seorang insan yang berguna" * in reality = to be a clerk, despatch, factory worker
31. Gossip are number 1 favourite past time.
32. Malay favourite magazine are URTV, Mangga, Jelita, Remaja and Variasari.
33. Mark as "bangsa pendengki" by other race in Malaysia .
34. When someone giving a speech, a Malay usually will nod their head (kepala terangguk-angguk) not to show that they understand, but just simply to act that they understand in a serious manner.
35. Deep in the eyes of Malay, the meaning of "TERSIPU-SIPU BAHASA" and "MALU-MALU KUCING" are..... * GREAT APPETITE WITH A VENGEANCE.
36. Malay got less friend from other races because... * Malay are too proud of their own language which makes them stuck-up * Malay also ignore that other etnic groups and foreign people are willing to learn to speak in Malay while got other knowledge in other language. (so now you know why this email is written in ENGLISH)
37. In Malaysia , people said "wear condom and don't forget to take a bath with Dettol if you make love to a Malay".
38. An example of a Malay with good grades =STRAIGHT C-MINUS
39. A Malay boss are known as intimidating his staff Sexual harrasing & Blackmailing Welcome more family member and friends to join the company Corruption * Always bring company's item home for personel use.
40. Malay, as the biggest population in Malaysia , are always feels threaten with the minority Christian in the country.
41. Malay chicks always dream to have sex with White Man but always ended get f*ck by their own species. (Im sorry if this offended you, but it was a promise)
42. Most babies found in the bushes and dustbin are Malay.
43. Most adultery/incest cases are by Malay.
44. Most divorce cases are by Malay couple.
45. Most yuppie wannabes are Malay.
46. Malay man got the habit using sink/wash hand area to rinse and wash their penis mostly in their bathroom, hostel and also in the public toilet.
47. Malay love to make fun at people who use toilet paper to wipe ass because they love to touch their sh*t with their hand.
48. Malay knows that other races could not dare to eat malay food not because of the spices but because the food was process by their ass-wiping-hand.
49. Malay use toilet paper in Malay restaurant / food court / warungto wipe customer's mouth and hand.
50. A typical malay Ready-to-wear. .... * a long, torn jeans, * a T- shirt * a pair of loafers
51. Malays can't live without rice and chilli.
52. A malay who check in a foreign hotel will cook their food inside the hotel room with water boiler and a portable mini cooker to save cost.
52. Malay knows their favourite fast food......KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN hot and spicy.
53. Malay will eat fried chicken and burger just like in the manner of eating rice with hand "one hand lean on the table, slouching head to the plate and other hand with finger close to each other to enter mouth".
54. Malay toilet always smells like "petai".
55. Malay love to remind people to have their morning shower but they themself always ended up having a BO in the afternoon. (BO=body- odour)
56. Backstabbing are malay greatest asset.
57. Cheating in examination or test are heredity.
58. Malay favourite brand are G.A Blue Jeans, Lady-like Jeans, a fake Ray-ban.
59. Upper class Malay favourite brand are the cheapest Versace t- shirt, Malboro Classic sometimes fake sometimes not jeans, an old fashion (erik estrada CHIPS) Ray-Ban glasses and a discount salesMark and Spencer.
60. Weekend are racing paradise for "Mat motor".
61. Malay never learn to accept people's opinion as a guide or challenge.
62. You feel that you had to support Moslem terrorist just because their are Islam and not because their are a serial killers.
63. Malay favourite living concept = BIAR PERUT KOSONG ASALKAN RUMAHCANTIK MACAM ISTANA.
64. The only musical instrument you can play is a GITAR KAPOK.
65. You Malay will pretend to ignore and deny that you are typical.
66. You MALAYS dreaming to become rich, but not by hard working or studying BUT with ALL KINDS OF SKIM CEPAT KAYA and STUPID MULTI- LEVEL MARKETING BUSINESS.
67. Dont have money but always want to action - buying cars like Waja, Wira and other expensive cars while you know you can only afford a KAPCAI.
68. Parents very rich but still go overseas using govenment scholarship. Go overseas to enjoy and not to study.
69. You will start to wondering about yourself after reading this.


So there you go. The email even had a "please forward" disclaimer and everything.

P/S : Forwardlah email ini pada bangsa Melayu yang lain untuk kesedaran !! Panas hati baca e-mail nih. Merah jer bijik matarasa cam nak terbakar. Tapi.... kena terima dengan terbuka ler. Ada yang betoi... ada yang musibat. Kalau tak nak bangsa lainmemperlekehkan kita lagi.... sama-samalah kita improve. Tapi tetap ingat bangsa yang tak kenal asal usul nih.... tak sedar yang dulunya merempat di tanah air kita, skang dah berani besar kepala !!!

Its all food for thought.

The Little Blue House Cafe

I would like share with all of you about this little known culinary gem called 'The Little Blue House Cafe'. Situated in the small sleepy town of Bidor in the state of Perak, Malaysia. Its a small restaurant off the main street of Bidor town and you would not find it unless you were lost. This ironically was the way we stumbled upon it.

Bidor is the kind of town that probably was once a hide out for thieves back in the 70's, or even a toilet stop for train drivers back in the 60's, who really knows. These days, its home for people who are quite content living their mediocre lives from one day to the next. Simply existing on this planet waiting for the day they see a mushroom cloud in the distance. Anyway...

'The Little Blue House Cafe' serves the tastiest wok fried food on the planet. Their Chinese fried rice is simply to die for. Not to mention the sweet and sour chicken, simply divine. The decor was as you would expect, tasteless yet rustic, a relic of the 70's minimalist movement. It probably looked the same ever since they opened. It didn't matter, we were there purely to eat. Needless to say we ordered dishes as if it was going to be our last meal. We were hungry no question about it. Hungry like Mexican whores at sunrise. The fried rice disappeared like magic. I personally  have tried everything on the menu. Its all good.

Towards the end the cook himself came out of the kitchen to see if all this food was actually being eaten and that we were in fact being serious. Now here is the kicker, 5 adults and 3 children, the bill came up to 50 Malaysian Ringgit which is roughly 7 UK Pounds. 7 Pounds? That will get you a Happy Meal in London, maybe. If 'The Little Blue House Cafe' was in Kuala Lumpur city, you'd be paying 3 times the amount.

We were perplexed and almost sacred to paying thinking that they may have somehow miscalculated the bill or something. Maybe they grow all the ingredients out back? Maybe they own the building, hence they don't pay rent. Who knows? All I knew was that I was deliriously full and filled with guilt at the shameless display of greed and opulence. Never the less I highly recommend you eat there. That is if you ever go pass that way. Ever.