My mandatory Birthday Entry

The year is 2009. The month, July. The day, 15th. Now I'm officially an old, decrepit, silly, tubbier, old, grumpy old man. And did I mention 'Old'? I've now lived on this excuse for a planet for 34 years now. That's 3 and a bit decades of piss farting around. Well now, I say bring on the next 3 decades for more of the same.

I have lots to be grateful for. We have a new addition to the family is the form of little Eva Zahara. My beautiful petite little gem that is full of spirit and spunk. I fear that one day she will break my heart with random acts of rebellious behavior. One can only hope that the early childhood education will be sufficient enough to mold her into a useful and contributing individual to society when she grows up. Somehow I have a strange feeling that all the stuff I did when I was single is going to come back and haunt me it the form of my daughter. All I can do it prey. I love my little 'Punya' none the less.

My son Hakeem who is now 6 years old and doesn't stop talking. He can actually hold a conversation like an adult. You can reason with him now and sometimes he tries to find loopholes and argue with you. Just like me! ehehhe I'm so proud of him. He can also read and write now. This is both good and bad. Bad because its only a matter of time before he figures out to type 'boob' in Google and thus begins a parents nightmare. At the moment he Googles 'Ultraman' and 'Tom and Jerry'. I fear the day he finds The Adventures of UltraCockman and His Gay Buddies Tom and Jerry. Oh the horror! I remember in the eighties how hard it was to find a naked anything let alone porn. Nowadays, porn is only but a 'double-click' away. Thanks Internet.

My wife Azhani. My partner. My friend. Truly without her, I would have nothing. Or more like without her, life would have little meaning. Sure I enjoy the occasional outings with the The Boys. And for sure we have our disagreements, But I can tell you, I would be lost without her. Through think and thin, we will make it 'Kets'. I promise. Love you.

My mother is a Facebook nut and I honestly have myself to blame for setting up her account. Now she has 5 million in Texas Hold' Em money. I keep telling her, 'Its not real'. Oh crap. My two sisters are flying in there careers and my brother Adam is doing well at his new job as web developer/project manager or something. I must thank them, especially Nini, for helping our mother out of her financial meltdown. With everyone chipping in, we can make it through.

In the past 12 months, I've been traveling quite a bit. I've almost been to every Asian country there is. This is quite a feat seeing as I don't particularly like being away from home. Its not so bad I am only away one week at a time. Career wise, its been up and down. We can all thank the current economic down turn for shit we are going through. I would like to see a little more stability in this area of my life. I hoping the latter part of this year will bring some good news.

I've been fighting my temptation to buy a BlackBerry but I fear my resilience is coming to an end. With most of my friends and family on it, And with the inclusion of Twitter, I think its time. I know that once I'm on, I won't look back. This year I also bought a motorcycle. My wife thinks I'm going through a mid-life crisis. Have I reached mid-life? I think not. But lets not put a label to it.

My birthday consisted on one cake at work and one seafood dinner with family and friends. And another cake. No presents. And I help pay for the dinner. I think it was a fitting birthday-day. Overall, even though I tried to start out this entry all morose and mellow dramatic, now at the end of it, come to think of it, I am happy. Sure, things can be better and sure I wouldn't mind a little more extra money, in all honestly, my life doesn't suck. And for that everyday I thank Allah for all that he has given me.

And last but not least.. as always, I give myself some birthday boobs to look at. I figure my son hasn't been to my blog yet. I figure I better put up whatever I like before I have to start our home censorship board. I do feel my time of reckless blogging is coming to an end. Anyway, Did anyone catch Simona Halep at Wimbledon this year? She is my new favourite Tennis player. Happy Birthday Ozi.

Read this.

TENNIS babe Simona Halep is to undergo surgery - to shrink her 34DD bouncers.

The 17-year-old claims they are a disadvantage and has vowed to have a reduction later this year. She declared: "The breasts make me uncomfortable when I play.

"It's the weight that troubles me - my ability to react quickly."

Fans of the 5ft 5in Romanian - ranked 317th in the world and hoping to play at Wimbledon - last night flocked to sign an online petition: Save Simona Halep Boobs.

One stormed: "It will be a crime against nature."

Oh the horror of breast reduction........ peace out.

Transformers 2 - I dont like it

I copy - pasted this from Yahoo! Movies because this article says it all. This movie didn't even inspire me write my own review.

Burning Questions: The 10 Most Confusing Things in 'Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen'
by Matt McDaniel
June 30, 2009

"Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" made over $200 million last week. What it didn't make, however, was one lick of sense.

Now, suspension of disbelief is usually not a problem for me. Tell me that a billionaire could put on a bat suit and swoop around fighting crime and I'll buy it. Or that a different billionaire could build flying armor in his basement. Or that in the future people will beam onto spaceships with their pointy-eared best friend. I'll accept all of it. I'll even take your word for it that a mechanized alien race can come to our planet, scan some cars, and turn themselves into vehicles.

That being said, there were moments in this new "Transformers" movie that were so confusing, so contradictory, or so corny that they completely took me out of the movie. Even days after watching it, some new inconsistency or plot hole would pop into my mind.

I can hear it already: "It's a popcorn movie. It's based on a bunch of toys. It's just supposed to be fun." And yes, all of those things are true. But that doesn't mean I can't ask questions about what in the world was going on. Here are the ten that I most want answered. (WARNING: contains spoilers).

1. In "Transformers," there was this giant battle in the middle of downtown Los Angeles -- excuse me, Mission City -- that was witnessed by thousands of people at the very least. But somehow the government was able to cover up the whole thing, and now the existence of alien robots is just an internet rumor? How did they do it? Pay off everyone who was there and quickly fix millions of dollars in damage? Also, didn't Keller (Jon Voight) go on TV and tell everyone we were being attacked by "a technological civilization far superior to our own"? How did they spin that?

2. There are two pieces of the Allspark cube left: the military has one under lock and key, and Sam discovers another. The Decepticons steal one and bring Megatron back to life. But when Sam (Shia LaBeouf) wants to bring back Optimus, he has to find the Matrix of Leadership on the other side of the globe. Why not use the other piece? Mikaela (Megan Fox) has it in her backpack the whole time. It brought his kitchen appliances to life, why can't it do the same for Optimus?

3. Speaking of Megatron's rebirth, when the Decepticons venture deep into the ocean to revive him, the Navy crew tracking them reads five contacts. When they get down there, they tear apart one of the robots for parts to rebuild Megatron. Then as they rise to the surface, the same Navy guys say they spot six contacts. The little "Doctor" robot popped out down there, but he's about a third of the size of a person. Would he have shown up on sonar?

4. That reminds me: even if I were to forgive the Doctor's German accent -- and director Michael Bay is asking me to forgive a lot of ridiculous accents -- why would a robot need glasses? He has little lenses that flip in front of his mechanical eyes. Couldn't he just get his eyes adjusted? You'd think with all the laser guns, someone could perform a Lasik procedure.

5. Apparently, Transformers can look like people now. How? And how is it that even though the robo-girl (Isabel Lucas) is made of metal, she can still straddle Sam without crushing him. And if Bumblebee knows something's wrong with her, why does he spit antifreeze at her instead of telling Sam? Yes, his voicebox is broken, but wasn't it fixed at the end of the last movie?

6. The Fallen is the last of the Primes, since they all sacrificed themselves to stop him from destroying the sun. But then he says that Optimus is a descendant of the Primes. First, Transformers have kids? And second, how could he descend from them if they were all dead? And if the Fallen could only be destroyed by a Prime, why didn't the originals just gang up on him back in the day? And what makes Optimus so special, anyway? Megatron beat him earlier, but all it takes is a few spare parts from creaky old Jetfire for him to take out the Fallen?

7. Sam, Mikaela, and Simmons (John Turturro) go to the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum in Washington D.C. to find Jetfire. Then they walk out the back onto a wide open field with old planes and mountains in the distance. When did the National Mall start to look so much like to Tucson, AZ (where they really filmed that scene)?

8. The geography is just as bad when they go to Egypt. The stone city of Petra in Jordan is over 250 miles away, over mountainous terrain, with few paved roads and the Israeli border between them, so how can they drive from one to the other in a couple of hours. And the Pyramids are said to be shooting distance from the Mediterranean, but they are actually well over 80 miles inland. Even if the Navy ship had a secret rail gun, and even if the captain would take an order to fire from a former agent of a government branch that no longer exists (over a walkie-talkie that inexplicably starts working again), how could it hit a moving target from that distance?

9. Sam briefly dies and goes to Robot Heaven. Robot Heaven?!?!

10. Where does Sam's bandage come from? What about his extra sock? Why does Sam's roommate not contribute anything at all? What was the Fallen doing for those thousands of years Megatron was frozen in ice? How does one satellite receive transmissions from everywhere on the planet? Why does Wheelie hump Mikaela's leg? Why do we have to see John Turturro's thong? Why are robots who join together to become Devastator also seen fighting the Army at the same time? Why does the government want only our military fighting Decepticons when our weapons seem unable to make so much as a dent on any of them? Why did the ancient Egyptians build a pyramid around the sun-destroying machines instead of just breaking it? Why is the Matrix of Leadership bigger in the Fallen's hand than in Sam's? And how do Mikaela's pants stay so clean?

OK, so I went overboard at the end, but the questions remain. And I'm sure more will pop up next time I think about the movie. But the movie did make a ton of money, and it's earned a solid B+ rating from our users. Maybe I should go see it again. My questions probably won't get answered in a second viewing, but if I can just clear them from my mind I can be in Robot Heaven, too.

BISKUTNAGA SAYS BALLS!

I ate pork. Damn the Philippines!

On my recent trip to the Philippines, I had my first taste of pork. How fucking awesome. Yey!
What started out as a simple breakfast, quickly turned into a nightmare. As a Muslim, one of the fundamental no-no's is eating pork or any of the variants there of. This means bacon, sausages, ham, pig and whatever other names there are of this 'other white meat'.

Anyway, as you would imagine, breakfast is an experience laid en with land mines of the pork variety, and so my options were quite limited. Even ordering a simple omelet meant that I would risk some Jamie Oliver wannabe chef would still mix in some ham and capsicum in there. So I order a plain sunny-side up egg with some toast. Ok, so at his point what could go wrong? On the table there was a neat little basket of condiments like, salt, pepper, chili sauce, Tabasco sauce, Maggi seasoning, soy sauce, Ketchup AND finally, MANG TOMAS ALL AROUND SARSA.

All-Around Sarsa? Fuyoh! That sounds too exotic to pass up, I had to give that a taste. I then have a brief skim of the ingredients; vinegar, salt, dried tomatoes.... yup, it all sounds good. So give myself a good splash of Mang Tomas. A grey coloured, gooey, fishy smelling sauce, not very appetising if you ask me. But I give a taste anyway. And to my surprise Yum! An almost savoury yet sweet flavour. I continued to finish my Eggs and Toast. I then asked my friend if it comes in any other version, perhaps a spicier one with chillies? Yes there are, Great! lets drop into the super market before I head back home.

Now comes the realization of Mang Tomas. At lunch, in a different restaurant later the next day. There it was, next to the classic Heinz Ketchup, Mang bloody Tomas. I order my food. I ask for the Fish and Chips, explaining situation to the waiter on how I dont eat pork because I'm a Muslim, so please my dear waiter, no pork. My fish and chip comes, I start to splash on my newly found favourite condiment. Just as I'm about to take my first bite. The waiter runs over and says 'No No.. this is pork!'... WHAT!!!! ??? But the bottle says All Purpose Salsa! There is a picture of a fisherman on it for gods sake! I frantically now have a throughral read of the ingredients. And there it was, clear as day, after tomatoes and salt, Liver. Liver of what? I ask the waiter. Liver of god damn Pig! Pig la ....freakin' Winnie the Pooh friend Piglet the Pigs liver. Fuck me.

At this point, I wanted to cry. At this point I wanted to shove my finger in my mouth and puke. At this point I imagined the gates of Hell open up greet me. I don't even eat Cows liver let a alone Pigs liver! You tell me, just look at the bottle, can you see any indication that this is made from Pig? It just says ALL-AROUND SARSA... sarsa, is that a type-po? or is that Filipino for Pigs Liver. Who the hell knows?! Maybe the "IRON RICH" should have tipped me off as salsa has never ever enriched the iron in the body. Only Beef gives you Iron. Well in this case, Pig. In retrospect we all be a little more analytical but for me, hunger blurred my comprehension and reasoning.

At this point the damage is done. I leave the Philippines thinking I can't eat anything without having Pork. Hell, the Coca Cola probably has pig ears in it or something. Who can say... In any case, for a brief moment, a very brief innocent moment, Mang Tomas did taste damn good!

Heh.

The Empty Sound of Nothing

The whole of April .... I DIDN'T WRITE SHIT.......


nothing ...

zero...

nada....

empty...

none...

zero equals none...

ended.

May, I try again.

31 Things Guys Should Know About Girls...

Written by a friend. After years of experience.

1. Whatever you do, don't just show up at their house...they run around in their underwear just like we do.

2. Don't cheat on them. It may seem foolproof, but girls tell each other everything about everything. Trust me, they WILL find out and you will be mud.

3. Beware of every single male relatives and all guy friends. Any of them would kick your butt at the drop of a hat, and a lot of them wouldn't even wait for the damn hat.

4. Never miss an opportunity to tell them they're beautiful.

5. Don't refuse to kiss in front of your friends. If they laugh at you, its because they're jealous.

6. If they slap you hard, you deserved it.

7. Don't be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they're going out with you in the first place, its because they like being in your arms.

8. If you don't sleep with them, do not tell your friends that you did.

--8.5. If you DO sleep with them, don't tell your friends that you did.

9. You can be dirty minded in private, really...most of them are not offended by it...

10. Not all of them eat like birds, a lot of them can eat like whales.

11. Most of them don't mind paying half of everything, but they do discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it and your friends will know you're a *****.

--11.5. Do you honestly need all your money that much? Be a man, pay all the time!

12. Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend- a stuffed animal, one of his sweatshirts, and a really pretty ring. Even if it's not a serious relationship.

13. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you're dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren't dropping her off, call to be sure she's home safely.

14. If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to kick the crap out of him.

15. If you're talking to a female friend of yours, pull your girlfriend closer.

16. Never, ever slap her, even if it's just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, "Oh, you're so dumb" or something, never make any gestures back.

17. Go to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn't care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went.

18. You're dead meat if you can't get along with their pets, parents and best friends. Be prince charming to their friends, Mr. Polite to their parents, and make sure to be nice to their animals.

19. Don't flirt with their moms or friends...that's just freaky.

20. Don't be freaked out by PMS. It's not gross, and it really does make them feel like crap, so be understanding.

21. If you don't like the way they drive, you do it.

22. If you're officially dating, and you're introducing her to your friends, you'd better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend.

23. Don't stress where you go for every date. They really only want to be with you.

24. If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them without being asked.

25. Girls are fragile. Even if you play, fighting/wrestling, be very gentle.

26. Memorize their birthdays. You forget her birthday and you're basically screwed for life.

27. Don't marinade the cologne.

28. Don't give her something stupid for her birthday or Christmas or Valentine's day. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it has to be meaningful. Jewelry is always nice.

29. If you think the relationship isn't going to last, don't wait to find out. It will only hurt you more if you draw it out.

30. After you've been dating for a while, realize that they really have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, privilege and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond.

31.Don't ever do anything wrong (well not anything). girls remember things for life and anything you did wrong will be used against you in the future.

Now ladies, don't expect a guy to know every single thing here (even though that would be nice). Guys...LEARN!!!!!

My Favorite Monologue

I don't what it is, but ever since I was younger, I always wanted to be an actor. As you get older, you realize that perhaps you may have 'missed the boat'. I was a shy boy and a little introverted, according to my mother anyway. Thinking back, maybe I did a lot of acting alone and in front of the mirror, I can't really remember. Or maybe that was my crazy sister? Anyway this is my favorite monologue of all time. Before the ease of Google, I actually had to pause the VHS cassette and use a dictionary to write out and understand this speech!!

Austin Powers
written by Mike Myers

Dr. Evil: The details of my life are quite inconsequential.

Therapist (Carrie Fisher): Oh no, please, please, let's hear about your childhood.

Dr Evil: Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Some times he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical, summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds, pretty standard really. At the age of 12 I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it's breathtaking, I suggest you try it.

Therapist: You know, we have to stop.

I have memorized this and am willing to perform it at parties..... heh... Just ask me! I even do the Dr. Evil voice... well, try too anyway.

I can also can do a monologue from the movie The Three Amigos.

Lets just say I had a lot of time to kill when I was in college.

Cheers!

Lack Lustre

Today I have the general feeling of crap. I feel like crap, I look like crap and I'm talking crap.

A poem comes to mind

Oh thus the winter wind that blows,
Oh trust the cold from hence within,
Joyous clouds that is the drain,
From toilets blocked from whens it came,

Turtles die and Butterflies cry,
Mothers lie and Toast is dry,
Yet those without a penny to save,
Are those without a beard to shave.

Curious George is but an ape,
What indeed is Murphy's Law?
To where we go in this day and age,
It truly is the winter raw.

Oh pointless is this poem of mine,
I struggle much to make it rhyme,
Only for laugh I seek,
Only for a smile today.

Bitches.